A Cephalopodic Duel, Part One--Issue-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named
I had never though of death by gladiator octopus as a real thing. Not until now.
Now, many of you are probably confused at this point. I don’t blame you. Perhaps we should take a step back and explain how I ended up in that situation.
Inter-dimensional traveler isn’t one of those careers that you can just start because it sounds cool. Your five-year-old self can’t say to your parents “I want to be an inter-dimensional traveler” and expect them to nod and smile and say how nice that is. I know this from personal experience.
Inter-dimensional travel isn’t something you can take in college (or trade school, if that’s your thing), not even as an elective. There aren’t inter-dimensional travel clubs (believe me, I’ve looked). The closest you can get is probably Physics VII, which doesn’t even exist as a course at most educational facilities.
Inter-dimensional travel is also extremely difficult, highly dangerous, and bears the risk of extreme pain as your parts are scattered across time and space.
So naturally, when I was offered the job, I took it up without a second thought. Well, maybe a few second thoughts, but not many.
In hindsight, that may have been a mistake. I probably should have looked into the job description a little better. If I had, I would have noticed several things that might have given me pause before I signed my name on that fateful line. Such as the existence of Dimension Guardians.
Nobody knows who or what the Dimension Guardians are. They seem to be mysterious creatures that defend the pathways between dimensions from tampering. And, unfortunately, I have plenty of experience with them. I accidentally tore a small hole in the wall of the seventeenth dimension while retrieving a wrench that had been used to fight off a pickle monster. The Guardians, however, didn’t seem to care about the extent of the damage. I was forced to flee from them, racing through time and space with them in pursuit. And they are pretty fast.
But what of the gladiator octopus, you ask? I’m getting there.
I was in the eighth dimension and roughly midway between Mars and Saturn when I crossed paths with a quantum magnet orbiting the sun. The aforementioned magnet sucked me out of my dimensional tunnel, creating another rip (those Guardians are probably really mad about that) and tossed me through three more dimensions at nearly the speed of light before I landed on a remote planet that just happened to be populated by a colony of ancient Romans. However, these ancient Romans had upped their gladiatorial game a little.
Thus it was I found myself facing down the aquatic creature. Actually, this one seemed just as at home out of the water as in it. Added to that, it had tentacles at least twelve feet long. Things were not looking good.