A Cephalopodic Duel, Part 2--Issue #14

By Cliff K. Starbrake Thus it was I found myself facing down the aquatic creature. Actually, this one seemed just as at home out of the water as in it. Added to that, it had tentacles at least twelve feet long. Things were not looking good. If you haven’t read Part One, that won’t make any sense. So go ahead and do that. I can wait. Done? Good. We may now continue.

Why I Never Take the Bus--Issue #14

By Tobias Hrothgar If you are a human, and I hope you are, then you have probably heard of buses. That might not mean you have actually been on a bus, but you have probably heard of them. For those of you who have not been on a bus, you are very lucky. Everyone knows that a bus is a terrible, uncomfortable place. If you disagree then you know nothing.

Short Stuff from the Issue-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

How to Write a Play By Bart Thor Aghios It must be a musical. Think of The Sound Of Music, Shrek The Musical, and Peter Pan. Musicals are just the most popular thing. Don’t let Karl Bickerstaff play the midget. That play did not turn out well. Have lots and lots of smoke machines (it helps when you put a drug in the smoke that makes the audience very pleased with the play, no matter how terrible it is.

A Cephalopodic Duel, Part One--Issue-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

I had never though of death by gladiator octopus as a real thing. Not until now. Now, many of you are probably confused at this point. I don’t blame you. Perhaps we should take a step back and explain how I ended up in that situation. Inter-dimensional traveler isn’t one of those careers that you can just start because it sounds cool. Your five-year-old self can’t say to your parents “I want to be an inter-dimensional traveler” and expect them to nod and smile and say how nice that is.

Clarence the Cuttlefish--Issue-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

(The author has decided he would rather not be known for this… unique piece of work, therefore, he did not sign his name.) Clarence was a cuttlefish (if you don’t believe me, see above). Clarence once was a baby cuttlefish, now he is not a baby cuttlefish, and one day he will be a dead cuttlefish. Now, as everyone knows, a cuttlefish is a type of cattle. Well, Clarence was a cuttlefish, therefore he is cattle.

A Letter to Someone--Issue-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Dear Someone, I have a very important matter to discuss. Do you remember how you told me not to jump off of high places in a feeble attempt to impress a girl? Nevermind, forget what I just said. All that matters is that I’m in the hospital right now. I need you to stop by here and get me out. The food is absolutely terrible. Oh, I suppose the dragon just outside the door is another reason I’d like to leave.

An Aquarian Apparatus--Issue-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

By Karl Bickerstaff “Commander Svenson? I think you need to see this.” Jon Svenson sighed as he stood up from the chart-littered table. Probably another false alarm. Hans was a good copilot for the small research sub, just overly enthusiastic. He had a tendency to spot things that weren’t really there. “What is it, Hans?” he asked wearily. “It’s something big, sir,” Hans Olo replied, with a slightly nervous tone in his voice that Jon had never noticed before.

Short Stuff from Issue #12

This Week in Church History (Source: www.christianity.com/church/church-history/by-date) August 18, 328: Death of Helena, 1st Christian Archaeologist August 20, 1384: Gerard Groote’s Death by Association August 20, 1527: Martyr Synod Meets in Augsburg August 23, 1572: Not Peace but a Sword on Saint Bartholomew’s Day August 24, 1683: John Owen’s Death Ask Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Why? ~from Someone Dear Someone, Because. ~love, Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Hey AA, how does one time travel?

The Lonely Laundromat--Issue #12

By Karl Bickerstaff It was late. Madoc Kingsley yawned heavily as he began pulling clothes out of the last dryer. The old laundromat, located just barely on the right side of the tracks, was always deserted at this time of night, despite the lure of half price after nine o’clock. He yawned again. Every three days, the same old drill: get home from the lab, load up the hamper, and make the slow, dreary drive through a gray city that was hectic but slow.

Getting Your Pilot's License with Karl Bickerstaff--Issue #12

By Karl Bickerstaff You may recall a previous article wherein we discussed the best methods for scoring a perfect 100 on the SAT. At the end of that article, I said that next time around we would discuss the best way to get a pilot’s license. I hardly expected to be taken seriously on that, but you asked for it (citation needed), so here it is: Getting Your Pilot’s License with Karl Bickerstaff, 1st Edition.