Short Stuff from the Issue-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named
How to Write a Play
By Bart Thor Aghios
- It must be a musical. Think of The Sound Of Music, Shrek The Musical, and Peter Pan. Musicals are just the most popular thing.
- Don’t let Karl Bickerstaff play the midget. That play did not turn out well.
- Have lots and lots of smoke machines (it helps when you put a drug in the smoke that makes the audience very pleased with the play, no matter how terrible it is. Yes, your play is going to be absolutely horrendous.
- Don’t trust someone you’ve never even heard of before. That’s just common sense.
Karl Marx Stopped Dividing Brownies
Witnesses reported that Karl Marx was observed outside a bakery trying to give away brownies for free. When confronted, he attempted to escape by running into a farm equipment shop next door. He got stuck in the doorway and was arrested and deported to Elba.
This Week in Church History
(Source: www.christianity.com/church/church-history/by-date)
August 25, 1649: Thomas Shepard
August 27, 1565: Pierre Viret Ordered Out of France
August 29, 28: John the Baptist Beheaded
Ask Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, I was traveling through the eighth dimension last Friday when I spotted a cuttlefish playing the flugelhorn This was something I had never seen or even heard of before. You seem to have plenty of travel experience, so can you explain this strange sighting? I look forward to your answer with great impatience.
~ from Jack Percyson
Dear Percy Jackson,
The eighth dimension is not a good place to be, especially not on Friday, and certainly not shortly before the thirteenth issue of the Hrothgarian Chronicle. However, I suppose I must explain to you what you saw there.
Now, a cuttlefish is a type of cattle. It’s like a mix between a Chick-fil-A cow and a Apollo’s sun cattle. Now, we all know a flugelhorn is like a giant version of the harmonica, except it doesn’t make any noise whatsoever. The thing about the eighth dimension is that it is a tradition for cuttlefish to play the flugelhorn twice every other day, shortly before the sun rises in the evening, and shortly after it sets in the morning. So what you witnessed is perfectly normal for you to see in the twelfth dimension. (Wait, he said eighth?)
Deer Anonimos,
How do we git mor peple to eat chicken?
~from Da Cowz
Dear Cuttlefish,
To eat more chicken would be a mistake for some people who have allergies. The best choice for those people would be to eat beef (or cuttlefish, those are equally good). However, I suppose I must help you with your situation. What I think would be best for your business would be to get spelling lessons. Most of your Burger King advertisements I see are completely misspelled, making it look quite unprofishinall.
Cartoons
By Karl Bickerstaff
