Ask Anonymous--Issue #8

Dear Anonymous,

I’m sure you have heard this question many, many times, but I’m curious, so I’ll ask anyway: How

much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

~from Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,

In fact, I have never heard that question until now. I’m not even sure what a woodchuck is.

This is difficult. I have never been asked such a hard question. I’ll have to get back to you on

that one.

Dear Anonymous,

Do you have any tips on writing a book?

~from Master Of The Ham

Dear Master Of The Ham (?!),

First, let’s talk about your name: Why in the world? Are you some sort of butcher, or maybe a

farmer? And if so, why not be Master Of The Bacon? Whatever the case, let’s move on.

I am not a writer, so not many people would think me to be qualified to give you advice,

but I believe I know a thing or two or three or four or five about writing:

For one thing, you’ll need to go through unusual and terrible trials to be a good

writer. Take, for example, Torfis Teffleman, Karl Bickerstaff, and Tobias Hrothgar. These people

went through quite a few trials, and look how famous they are now.

Another thing you should do: Wear a cool hat. That goes without saying.

Do you have problems with getting stuck when trying to write a story? There’s a simple

solution to that: Add explosions, kill off an important character, or add an orangutan. An

orangutan can never go wrong. (Why not try all three at the same time?)

Some final advice: Be funny. But also be serious. Actually, balance the funny and the

serious. Now, remember, this does not mean that Gerald should crack a joke at Lisa’s mother’s

funeral. That would be a bad idea. Unless Lisa’s mother isn’t really dead (plot twist!).